Journal Title

but for now I'm to busy being jealous of a place, feeling crappy cause I have no goals, no dreams and no plans.
ugh. I don't like feeling like this.

Your Birthdate: August 25

Calm and understated, you struggle to express your love with words. Over time, your partner learns to recognize your passion by the actions you take. You're good at wooing someone slowly, without them even realizing it! Number of True Loves You'll Have: 2 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 2 You are most compatible with people born on the 7th, 16th, and 25th of the month.

You Communicate With Your Body

This isn't as bad as it sounds, it just means that you're a "touchy-feely" person. You need a lot of affection in your life. And for you, this means both giving and receiving little touches. Warm hearted, you bond with people easily. In fact, you often feel a little sad when you're not in the company of others. A little moody, you tend to be controlled by your emotions. But a bit hug always comforts you!

actual blog coming by the end of the night. :P

I haven't posted in a while but things have been going pretty well over all. First semester finished up and I'm pretty confident that my grades are ok ish. (No Fs at least, maybe a D or two thou ._. )
I have been having a consistent work schedule (Tuesdays and Saturdays).
There was a big issue with my new schedule considering my bus gets me to school to late to catch the skills center bus I will probably have to start catching the city bus and that will suck, but I will probably like it more then the school bus really. I'm excited for this semester, it will be a lot easier even if I'm not super crazy about skills center. Just got done looking at bus info and I will have to leave my house at like 7:00 ish (within a few minutes) to catch it and get to school on time. lame.
I have been feeling really good lately, I'm finally at the point where I can honestly say I'm happy with myself and my friends and all that about 80% of the time-this is freaking amazing for me.
Don't get me wrong, there are days I feel crappy and stuff but most of that tends to go with the PMS....lol.
I actually got to spend a lot of time with Morgan this week at my house and that was nice, he even came over and spent a good bit of his birthday on thursday over here and he really liked his stuff (the two shirts kinda had me worried but it was all good :D) and then we saw Jeff Dunham on Friday night, that was freaking great. Went to dinner and reached the 4 month mark. Its odd. It really seems like we have been together a lot longer then that. Its not that we know everything about each other, (The more I think about it I don't know a WHOLE lot about him but ya know its all good) its that I'm so comfortable and happy with him. Somehow it came up about how long I have been crashing over at his house and its been for at least like 3 months almost ever sat/other misc. day/one day a week and its nice. I really do like getting to wake up with him and just spend my day with him/around him. I think its going to be ok when he leaves, I really think that I'm still going to have feelings for him and if hes interested I would go back with him in a heart beat.

We have been spending a lot of time with Chen Chen and Micah too, and thats been a lot of fun. We played rock band, zombie town and buzz the mega quiz and it's kinda become the Saturday tradition now. :D

Work on saturday totally sucked monkey balls thou. Went in and it was just instantly stressful and tense and difficult and it remained that way. It was busy and we were going slow and it was just pathetic how crappy we were doing as far as times and stuff like that went. Since I was stressed my body kinda caught on to that and made me not feel well to the point of being sick and I had to leave early. People fighting makes me so uncomfortable on top of the stress of figuring out how to get to skills center and other little things from the day just pilled them selves up.
However, the second I got to Morgans it was gone, I got a big hug took my shower and got in my comfy cloths and just felt fine, stress free (I bitched some but it wasn't really bugging me still).
We went game shopping (Morgan got me about 20$ worth of games so I will be all good to go at the FaT) and ya.



there was a lot more but I stalled and now I'm tired.

current diet status: failing........
current emotional status: great
current social status: excellent
current relationship status: i don't think it could get better.

Be glad you are, with whoever your there with <3 I love brand new.

I'm also getting closer to a tattoo design I really like, just need to pick a good spot to get it.

so I have been sick for like a week now, I'm pretty damn sick of it to say the least. I spent most of last night hacking up my lungs and I'm in a terrible mood.
I have a fever again and I'm pretty much all over the place in the brain department.

I figured out that if I lose some weight I will be rewarding myself with some wanted piercings. By my 18th birthday I want to weigh 140lbs. Its a little unrealistic I will admit since that would be dropping nearly 20lbs and my frame is a bit odd but I think I would be happier with myself if I did.
No soda of any kind. (I'm going to slowly stop drinking it so my goal is by the end of Feb to only drink it once a week or so and diet if possible)
alternatives- tea, water, vita rains (0 cals.), some juice-no high fructose shit.

I want to cut out as much high fructose corn syrup out of my life as possible so that will be fun.

No cakes desserts or other unnesassary sweets (excluding birthdays etc.). Junk snack foods to be replaced with fruits and veggies (need to go to the store on my own for celery and apples)

Work will be hard but I should be ok if I stick to grilled chicken and better foods. Peanut butter sandwiches will probably be in my bag from now on......

so if I do drop this weight I want to get my belly button pierced and I'm looking at some really nice surface piercings. I want to do something more to my ears but I hate crowded ears/piercings/tattoos etc. so I'm looking at an industrial I think.

I need to work on some tattoo designs myself.......hmmmmmm

so i feel pretty superficial tonight, but I just want to feel pretty even when i'm feeling alone and shitty :(

goals to have eating habbits fixed: mid march.

Once its not super icey outside I'm going to start going for walks on my days off after I bring Kaylee home.

Need to work on sleep schedule.

I need to work on figuring out how I'm moving out, work on getting my permit at least and start saving money.


I realized I don't like the things I used to anymore :(


I don't know what I want anymore.....and I'm sorta nervous.....



I'm high on cold medicine.

Morgan now has all 3 "jobs" (One of them is a training that isn't a full job but will still be taking up a good chunk of his time) so I'm probably not even going to get to see him for another couple days (Making it like a whole week since I have seen him) and thats if I'm lucky since hes so damn busy....
Can't hold it against him or anything-I mean I'm glad he's not lazy but I don't want o feel like he's left already. :( and I just feel bad for him, I mean god I could just barely do full time and have any energy for anything on my days off.....and being just so worn out. u_u
oh well *puts on happy girlfriend face*
Jeff Dunham next week :D and his birthday even thou its going to be spent probably not with me......thats ok.

I got chewed out by a tranny today-no joke.
The snow was melting off the roof, like snow often does and leaked into the building at work (Like snow shouldn't.....well at this point water) and leaked right onto the power for the grills, (well what makes the gas stay on as Chris explained it) and so the grill turned off.
Shift Leader freaked out so I had to give out the refunds (something I shouldn't have to do) and deal with angry customers and jerks-but hey how is it any different from a normal day?

I'm not sure about this future stuff-I have a lot to figure out and time isn't going to go any slower for me. ugh.
I'm just jealous of these people who don't have to work to get everything. :(

anyway, its really late. my sleep schedule is totally fucked.
and I'm falling asleep alone again. </3

Sometimes I think that I require too much attention, that I'm too needy and that I'm too clingy.
Thats the one thing I haven't gotten rid of yet. I'm still looking way to ahead into the future and it makes me nervous.
I know I'm not going to be seeing him much anymore and it sucks.
I feel like I'm losing my world, not just because of Morgan at all....
just all of it.

I need to sleep I'm probably just high off the medicine
.

So we are snowed out for school tomorrow! Hells Ya!

Leaving Morgans today it came up to nearly my knee!! O_O;

I'm feeling mopey for no reason and need to find something to do.

so what the fuck is so great about Alaska anyway?! anyway now that thats out of my system. (just kidding, feeling flustered xD; )

Been an over all good past couple days-been finding a lot of good new music that I'm really happy with. Got a couple good orders of the interwebs and thats good.

Two weeks till Jeff Dunham!! :D

Work was pretty much shitty yesterday. Me, Tiffany and Jade. Jade=super new and knows fryers. thats it.

Tiffany = pretty much a POS.
Thank god for the nasty weather so it wasn't as busy. *sign of relief* Closing lobby helped and so really running almost everything on my own wasn't too terrible all things considered. (It has major suck potential)

I need to scan some of the drawings I have been working on, there are some pretty good ones. :o

anyways.
desu.
今 に私 はちょっと。。。。ええ。
モルガン はコウンタストライク を遊ぶ ので私 は一人
だけ。

うん。 じゃね

and things start to go back to normal.....don't worry no emo-ness to dig thru.

I had a generally stressful pessimistic day overall and was sorta not too sure about going to Morgan's since I was feelin' crappy but I'm so glad I did.

I got my taxes done (well Morgan did) and we watched jeopardy and ate corn dogs, ya know the standard. The standard continued and I really realized that either I have changed a lot, Morgan is magical or a combination of the two because he is the only person I drop my walls around almost all the way....I'm working on it and I want to get all the way there before he leaves but the fact that I am so open with him is just amazing to me. In 4-5 months now (it doesn't feel like that long but at the same time it feels like I have been with him forever.....) I have become confident, I stand up for myself a lot more.....I just can't express in words all these stupid little fears that I had that I just don't anymore.

Maybe its because its a more “mature” relationship, that would make a lot of sense, but I know that I wouldn't be the person I have become without help from so many people.

Things get hard, things get stressful. These next few years I going to be what shape me and I guess I want to take them with pride and effort. I need to do well, I need to find my calling whatever or whoever it may be.....

Thank you everyone who has supported me. I love you.

 

This also makes me think I need medication.

 

So after all this college looking stuff I think I am just going to end up going to SFCC for a few classes till I get it all worked out. I think that I would really let my family down if I did job corp. and I know that I don't have what it takes to do americorp xD;;

I do think something like that could really help me in a lot of ways.

Morgan makes me realize more and more that he is an amazing guy it seems every night.....
For someone who has always been afraid of disagreeing to be encouraged to make my own choice and to have an opinion its really odd....but its a good thing and I know I should really work on it.
Its what got me into trouble before.I need to stand up for myself and learn to be independent. I think really do think hes the best thing to have happened to me in a long time......


still need to work on losing some weight. blah.
Bodie (my dog i have had since I was little) is getting pretty old....hes almost 14 and is having failing health right now....I have a feeling he wont last too much longer.....this makes me REALLY sad. >_< I love my puppy......

goodnight! its late. I'm tired.

from the wifi I pick up around my house.....lol

Its night like these ones that make me think there is something wrong with me.

Something that made me stop knowing how to just be happy.

I just feel so broken at times, like there is nothing I can do about it.

I had a great night, a decent day. Got to see Morgan, saw cloverfeild (good movie!) and didn't really have anything bad happen.

I guess I'm just having a slight set back in things.

I'm not particularly happy with my weight, or the way I look.

I know I have no real purpose in my work, that its a shitty job and that I'm overall worthless in that sense-some of you can stop reminding me of that please.

I have no goals for the future what so ever.....

maybe its the fact that I spent a large portion of the past several years wanting to no longer exist.

I never thought about it. I have no life long dreams, no plans or expectations.

I guess getting married and having kids would be cool eventually....but I hear all these people talk about how they know exactly what to do, how they are going to do all these amazing things and I'm all apathetic too it all that I'm not sure what to do.

I need to step up I suppose.

I'm so frustrated and angry at myself. Why can't I just work like a normal fucking person?

FUCK.

I just don't understand it sometimes. There are days that nothing works for me, I only see all the bad things and I feel like everything is a personal attack and it makes me sad.

I just want to be a happy person who does well.....and I'm weak and pathetic so I don't want to do the work.

I need to start eating better, I know that. I need to start doing my school work (the little I do have) and I need to start saving money.

There are nights that I'm glad I'm alone cause I feel like such an ugly person, inside and out.

I honestly feel unlovable right now because I know that besides Leslie I more or less am at times.

I feel vulnerable and insecure again.

I'm so scared of being thought of as stupid or anything negative.

Morgan gave me a relatively normal “wtf?” look and I felt like I was going to die cause I said something dumb, my mind franticly wondered what he could be thinking and for the first time ever I was afraid of how stupid he finally figured out I am.

I really don't like myself. I know it will go away in the morning. Sometimes I wonder if I do need medication.

so get called-lady at working asking me not to come into work today-please. please. please. she says to adjust labor.
so ok, change my plans and make some commitments.

get a call 30 minutes before I was supposed to come in same person asking me to come in now. blah.
work is flustering.

I just like doodling with MS paint sometimes.

Your Love Number is 2

Of all the numbers, you are the most caring and empathetic lover. Unselfish and humble, you find it easy to forgive your sweetie's mistakes. At times, your need to please can be come a bit too needy. As long as you remain somewhat independent, your relationships are perfectly balanced.

The Sonnet Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD) Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed? Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance. Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so. You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls. Your exact female opposite: Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master Always avoid: The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The False Messiah (DBLM), The Hornivore (RBSM), The Last Man on Earth (RBSD) Consider: The Loverboy (RGLM)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.

I just don't know.

I think its a positive change over time really!
From tonight

Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
expressive, open, self revealing, loves large parties, loud, social, outgoing, does not like social isolation, assertive, social chameleon, positive, always busy, likes to fit in, likes to stand out, enjoys leadership, brutally honest, trusting, optimistic, desires attention, dominant, aggressive, attachment prone, wants to be understood, realistic

Old

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 70% Stability |||||| 23% Orderliness |||||||||| 40% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63% Interdependence |||||||||| 36% Intellectual |||||||||||| 43% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63% Religious |||||||||| 36% Hedonism |||||||||||| 43% Materialism |||||||||||||||| 70% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50% Work ethic |||||||||||| 50% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43% Conflict seeking |||| 16% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 56% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 63% Wealth |||||| 23% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 63% Change averse |||||||||||| 50% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||||||||||| 56% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44% Histrionic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||| 76% Vanity |||||||||||||| 56% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Indie |||||||||||| 48%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.




Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.




Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.



trait snapshot:

craves attention, messy, open, rash, irritable, likes large parties, low self control, weird, fragile, does not like to be alone, emotionally sensitive, worrying, depressed, heart over mind, does not respect authority, dependent, not rule conscious, not good at saving money, more interested in relationships than intellectual pursuits, likes to fit in, very social, frequently second guesses self, phobic, suspicious, not careful, outgoing, vain, compassionate, aggressive




I found it entertaining.

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

I don't know if its because I'm with someone who makes me happy being me, whos ok with me being me and I feel comfortable being with like that or if its just me not giving a flying fuck anymore.
Either way I'm happy.

Last night I fully clicked and realized that I don't care.

I had such a fear over what people thought, about being wrong around people or even just having a different idea or opinion about something. It didn't matter. Its a rather freeing thought that I am now getting more comfortable with just being me.

Don't get me wrong I still have moments of doubt and frustration with myself but nothing like it was.
I can just laugh at myself and be ok with it.

In a way I hope its not because of Morgan because I don't want it to change when he leaves, and that means I have to try and find someone that I can be like that with again.

I'm still more defensive with some people, but for the most part its getting a lot better. Leslie and Morgan are the first people I have just been me with, been totally open and loud and crazy and stupid and not cared in only god knows how long.....


Thank you guys. I love you both.

67% Bill Richardson
66% Barack Obama
66% Chris Dodd
65% Hillary Clinton
65% John Edwards
64% Joe Biden
63% Mike Gravel
54% Dennis Kucinich
52% Rudy Giuliani
50% Tom Tancredo
44% Mitt Romney
44% John McCain
43% Mike Huckabee
39% Fred Thompson
35% Ron Paul

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz


Didn't take it too seriously, but interesting anyway.